New Year, Firmer Boundaries
At the start of every year, many people set out goals and intentions to shape themselves into a “better” person, to have a better mindset, to have better practices, or to generally improve some aspect of their life. While all those things are positive actions and can be very helpful, I can’t help but think about how boundaries are vital in achieving these goals and intentions. Being a better anything requires boundaries. Having a better mindset requires boundaries. And having better practices? Yep, more boundaries!
From my experience, the word ‘boundaries’ can bring on a lot of fears and anxieties. This can be due to various reasons such as: a person having a negative experience with a loved one after putting up boundaries, a person being made fun of for reinforcing their boundaries, or someone being made to feel like they are “wrong” or “ridiculous” for having boundaries. These experiences can lead to a person putting themselves “on the back burner” and considering other peoples’ thoughts, needs, and feelings before their own. This can then create a barrier to achieving said goals and intentions since boundaries may become more difficult to state and seem less important than what they are. Boundaries are important and need to be stated, enforced, and then reinforced (multiple times).
The truth is that while boundaries may seem scary, they are so necessary in everyday life. I think we sometimes forget that we have more power than we think we do and can set the tone for our relationships, activities, and lives. Here are some truths to keep in mind when thinking about what boundaries you want to set and implement in the coming year to help you accomplish what you want:
-Feelings are not facts: Yep! Feelings are feelings and are gauges for our emotional state. A lot of times, we feel feelings and then believe we must “do something” with them but we don’t. We feel like we have to right some wrong that we didn’t do. Actually, the best thing to do is to learn how to sit with these uncomfortable feelings and cope through. Feelings are valid but not always justified or rooted in the facts.
-“No” is a complete sentence: Please read that again and then again. Saying “no” does not require an excuse or reason but a lot of the times, we feel like it does. This can then increase the anxiety we already feel, which may further prevent us from sticking to our boundaries. If saying “no” sounds scary, then other alternatives can be: “I can’t”, “Not today but maybe another day”, “I already have something else going on”, or “I appreciate the offer, but I will have to decline”.
-You are not responsible for other people’s actions, thoughts and feelings: I know it may FEEL like you are responsible for these things, but again feelings are not facts. We cannot control other people, so their response to you is actually a reflection of them, not you. This may be one of those times where you sit with the discomfort and remind yourself that you are only responsible for yourself and your boundaries.
Regardless of your goals and intentions, I hope that you are able to set firmer boundaries and reach whatever goal you set out for yourself in 2025!